What If Your Biggest Team Challenge Is a Myth?

A baby boomer senior partner at a high-pressure law firm is frustrated with junior associates who "ask too many questions." (I get it, I’ve been mentoring junior clinicians for over 20 years).

A Gen X national team coach can't understand why young athletes these days "need constant validation." (I know it feels like that. I see it on the weekly. I mediate coach-athlete conversations all the time).

A millennial parent struggles with Gen Z teenagers who "won't listen to experience." (yep, BTDT - which translates to ‘been there, done that’ for those who aren’t sure!).

Same story, different contexts.

“It’s the generation gap.” The easiest explanation.

The media fuels this story. But this isn’t helpful.

It’s divided teams into “us” vs. “them.”

It makes leaders want to throw up their hands and give up. (Or throw something else, but that’s a different issue).

I totally understand. Firsthand. But the story we’ve made up about this “gap” is just plain wrong.

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The research about the generation gap (and my experience) tells a different story.

We keep blaming generational differences for what are actually human differences. Studies show that supposed generational traits like work ethic and loyalty vary more within generations than between them (Costanza et al., 2012).

Your "lazy" millennial might just be disengaged.

Your "resistant" boomer might just need context.

One simple way to capture what people need comes from Self-Determination Theory (SDT; Ryan and Deci, 2000). This macro theory of human motivation and personality suggests that all humans - regardless of age – have similar needs to thrive.

So what are the basic psychological needs for motivation and wellbeing? It all comes down to ABCs: Autonomy, Belonging, Competence, and Security.¹

The difference isn't in the needs themselves, but in how people learned to get them met.

Older generations tried to meet these needs through achievement. Proving their worth over time.

Younger generations learned to ask upfront for these needs to be met: clear expectations, understanding of impact and purpose, growth opportunities. Younger people likely learned to be more direct by watching the older generations’ strategy fail to meet all the ABCs. They're not entitled - they're efficient.

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In my work with leaders and mentees of all kids, this shift in perspective changes everything:

• A senior partner started asking "What support do you need to meet this deadline?" instead of piling on more cases. And instead of judging them for not keeping up with the pace they’re generation has been able to handle “for years.” Junior lawyers stopped seeming "overwhelmed" and started managing their caseloads effectively. The demands didn’t change, but the feeling that someone saw them - and had their back - helped everything.
• A department head began asking "What's making this protocol difficult?" instead of demanding compliance. Younger staff stopped seeming "resistant" and started suggesting process improvements that worked. And helped everyone by doing so.
• A supervising physician said "Here's the patient's condition - how would you approach treatment?" instead of dictating every step. Medical residents stopped seeming "dependent" and started bringing thoughtful clinical insights. Maybe even ones that taught the teacher!
• A national team coach began asking "What's going through your mind?" instead of saying "Just focus." Athletes stopped appearing "fragile" and together they figured out how to perform under pressure.
• A parent shifted from "Because I said so" to "Help me understand your perspective." Teenagers stopped seeming "disrespectful" and started sharing what was actually bothering them.

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When we look at the story beyond the surface, we see the same ABCs motivate ALL humans.

Commit to going beyond the story you are telling yourself about the ‘generation gap.’

Then you will see: People’s response to almost everything, including work demands, isn't generational - it's individual.

The most successful leaders have cracked this code. Instead of "Millennials need constant feedback," they say "Sarah works best with weekly check-ins, Mike prefers monthly deep dives."

They treat people as individuals, not stereotypes. They stay curious, don’t make assumptions, and drop the ego.

The solution is simpler than you think.

You don't need different playbooks for different age groups. You need better questions:

• What do you need to do your best work?
• How do you prefer feedback?
• What gives you a sense of purpose and autonomy?
• What matters to you? What drives you?
• How can I make you feel like a valued member of this team so you’ll commit to it?
• What are your super-strengths? What might you offer to this team that someone in my generation is not able to do as well?

When you change your questions, you change your solutions. And you get better results. Faster.

The most powerful way to bridge that generation ‘gap’ that you’ve been frustrated about (and doesn’t really exist) is to remember these two things:

We are more alike than you think.

AND

It’s all about the ABCs.‍

All humans just want to feel a sense of control or choice in this uncertain world. To feel competent. To feel valued, understood, and connected to something meaningful.

Including you.

‍What patterns have you noticed in your team that cut across age lines? Hit reply and let me know.

Consider a frustration or conflict you’ve been having with a team member from another generation. What ABCs might need attention for them to succeed?

P.S. Ready to move beyond managing generations to building bridges that create sustainable excellence? Check out my Bridging Generations Leadership program - teaching hands-on strategies to bridge the generation gap, align values for a culture of excellence, and master ways to build the legacy you want. DM me for a free discovery call.

Note: I have added my own spin to the components of this so that it is easier to remember and added a 4th concept (Security) to capture the need for “psychological safety”.